The World’s Best Taco Salad

I hate to brag , but I will. My taco salad is the best in the world!

That’s a rather bold claim, I know, but I’m only exaggerating a little. I have several friends who will back up my claim (and I didn’t pay them to say it – well, not too much.). I have been making taco salad using this top secret recipe for close to fifty years. In fact, I might have been the first person to make taco salad. I have no scientific data to back this up, but I could probably create some.

I believe the reason for my success as a preeminent taco salad maker stems from my attention to detail. I’ve heard it said God is in the details, or was that the devil? Regardless, I make my taco salad to exacting details. Never let it be said my taco salad is ordinary. One of the secrets to doing any job professionally is to use the right tools for the right job. I take pride in having used the same professional tools for the last half-century. If you buy the best tools and take care of them they will last a lifetime. I have the proof.

I am going to reveal my steps for preparing the world’s best taco salad. First, you must prepare the space to make it. I suggest building a kitchen no smaller than 4,162 square feet ( a perfect square is preferred but not completely essential) I also suggest a wooden kitchen island. I have discovered that growing my own trees works best. You need to purchase a minimum of 67.4 acres of woodlands to grow your trees. Many people scoff at the idea, however, it has been proven year after year that the Sigillaria tree makes the best butcher blocks. Unfortunately, this tree has been extinct for thousands of years, so it is rather difficult to find. I buy mine at Noah’s Rare Woods in downtown Ur-By-The-Sea. The shop is located next door to Beans ‘n’ More. Ask for Noah and mention my name and he will give you a 3.135593446 percent discount. (You must show him my photo to receive full discount)

Now to the basic steps. Once you have purchased all necessary ingredients (Due to government secrecy laws pertaining to national defense, I cannot divulge the complete list of ingredients) it is time to make your taco salad. If you do not have the vital large yellow Tupperware bowl, you can use a yellow metal bucket provided it contains the correct amount of rust. You should assemble the following items in a straight row on your Sigillaria tree butcher block making sure to keep 3.71 inches between each can. Line them up in this order kidney beans (light or dark, I prefer the dark ones but I have extremely sensitive taste buds. Many people will not be able to distinguish between them)), diced green chilies, xxxx xxxxxx (see above note about secrecy laws) black olives, 1 quart of Kearney’s 50 weight motor oil ( this doesn’t go in the taco salad but I like how the can looks next to the olives) Let the sun shine on these cans for 11 minutes and 18 seconds (except in February when you need to add 28 seconds) take your Decker & Blackmoore titanium can opener from the safe and use it to open the cans IN THE SAME ORDER AS THEY ARE LINED UP! This is essential! Never let the cans get closer than 3.54 inches to one another. Drain the kidney beans (African American beans can be substituted for variety) use your 11.36 inch number 24863 orange plastic strainer and rinse them for 68.43 seconds under ordinary tap water. Room temperature water is fine. I mean who really cares. Add the beans to the center of your large yellow Tupperware bowl taking care not to stack more than two beans on top of each other. Open the chilies (I use Russell Lamborighianas chilies exclusively because the company pays me millions of dollars for the use of my photo on the cans) and carefully and slowly, allowing the chilies to breath, layer them on top of the beans. Next add the black olives. It doesn’t matter what brand because who in the world believes there are enough virgin olives in the world to make all that oil (let alone extra virgins) add the olives. DO NOT MIX THE INGREDIENTS TOGETHER AT THIS POINT! You may be very tempted to use your Brady-Welker stainless steel spoon at this time but be patient. The mixing comes later. At this point, and only at the point, you can open the Kearney’s 50 weight motor oil and fill your lawn mower. Once this is finished, open the 16 ounce package of shredded xxxxx and dump it into the bowl (or rusty bucket). NOW IS THE TIME TO STIR THE INGREDIENTS! Stir the ingredients exactly 28 times in a clockwise rotation.

The next step is critical to the flavor of your taco salad. You must butcher a cow and make hamburger (or buy it at the store if you want to speed the process) Brown the hamburger in an ordinary skillet on the stove for the amount of time it takes to read through the IRS tax code manual. Drain it and add it to the bowl (bucket). On occasion I have used other meat. For example, one of my friends prefers turkey. I don’t use turkey when I make it for her, but I use faded beef and she never knows the difference. Follow the same steps as if using hamburger but skip section 7249.1456 on page 947 of the tax manual (this will save you 1.16 seconds) Another animal to try is the male offspring of a middle-age red-eyed, black-throated, Basilisk lizard from the north side of Mt. Everest. Dice the lizard and fry it in the leftover Kearney’s 50 weight motor oil for three or four days until the stench dissipates. Once your choice of meat is prepared, throw it away because you are making vegetarian taco salad.

The next step involves choosing the lettuce. In the early days of the 14th Chin Dynasty I used head lettuce but have learned that romaine lasts longer and tastes better. Cut the romaine into 2 inch squares ( plus or minus 34 microns) using an ordinary Samurai sword from 1376 (swords made from 1377 and later do not have the correct proportion of steel to Charmin bath tissue) Add the romaine squares one at a time. Then use a cement mixer to grind the sand and four pieces of gravel—- Ooops! Sorry that’s the recipe for building roads in Northern Illinois— Stir the taco salad ingredients again as many times as it takes to get a good burn in your biceps.

Congratulations! You have arrived at the final 438 steps.

To save time skip to step 437. It’s time to add the dressing. The only dressing I recommend is xxxx xx xxxxxx xxx xxxxxxx. Add the entire bottle and using your fifty-year-old Brady-Welker slotted spoon, stir the taco salad once. Voila! You have done it! Simply store the taco salad in an underground bunker for 241 years, or until politicians place the country’s needs above their own, whichever comes first (My wife made me include that part) Remove the taco salad from the pristine yellow Tupperwar bowl, using the same B-W slotted spoon and place it in 7.348 inch diameter ceramic bowls made by the ancestors of some long extinct sober Irish plumbers apprentices, sit at the Sigillaria wood butcher block island, turn on your TV and watch reruns of the Burns & Carson Show and relax. You are about to taste the world’s best… Sorry again. I have been informed by the government that the phrase ‘taco salad’ has been deemed a national security risk. It must now be called xxxx xx x xxxxxx.

When your great-great-great grandchildren taste your taco salad, they will thank you profusely or I will personally refund your money up to the total of .000000016 cents.

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